Love Never Fails, Even if Memories Do
It is quite rare to find a book that is in equal parts beautiful and informative.
Karen Martin has managed to strike a balance between tear-inducing, breath-taking beauty and consistent instruction in the progression of her friend’s Alzheimer’s disease. The friendship depicted in this volume illustrates the powerful impact of the gospel.
Memorable Loss is an account of friendship that lasts through the ravages of dementia. It is a tale that focuses on the dignity of the sufferer, but also highlights the compassion of those caring for her. This is a book that is invaluable for those at any stage of this struggle, as they wonder how to love others well.
The story begins with Karen and Kathleen’s friendship prior to any diagnosis of dementia. Kathleen was a retired school teacher, intelligent, dependable, and very independent. Karen, more than four decades her junior, an English teacher and member in the same congregation. Karen describes them as more like sisters than the generational difference would normally lead to.
Karen narrates the Kathleen’s journey through the various stages of Alzheimer’s from pre-diagnosis through her eventual death a decade later in her tenth decade. She outlines those things she did well in addition to lapses that served to confuse Kathleen, mask her symptoms, or fail to compensate for her cognitive decline. It has the feel of a balanced book that focuses on the person who became the patient rather than valorizing the goodness of the author.
I recommend this book highly. It is an exemplar of didactic, narrative non-fiction.
The Gospel on Display
The greatest triumph of this volume is that the gospel is on display in so many pages. A friendship of several decades between two similar women, but with distinct responsibilities would normally crumble or, at best, fade away under the weight of suffering and increasing dependence. But a common hope that God will one day make all things new drew them together.
Another glorious aspect of this story is that the author continually reminds readers that Kathleen remained herself despite her dementia. Though she became more and more easily confused, there were moments of vital remembrance. And, even through the final trauma of a broken hip, Kathleen’s steady personality came through. She would become confused because she couldn’t remember how she got to the hospital, but when told of her condition she responded with steel nerves and forbearance. Beneath the confused old lady there lived a confident, competent Kathleen.
The church is at its best when relationships like this are put on display. We aren’t all called to do all things for all people. But each of us is called to serve some people well. Martin’s book exemplifies the power of friendship within the church to glorify God and exemplify the gospel.
An Informative Volume
The book would be worth reading for the story it tells. But this is also an invaluable resource for those at various stages of their Alzheimer’s journey. Rather than trying to decipher murky phrases and terms on a website posted by well-meaning but overly-informed copywriters, significant concepts about the progress of this disease are woven through the pages of this story. It’s not the Moby Dick experience, where the sharp alternation between fiction and fact encourages skipping sections. Instead, Martin frames the medical information in helpful ways, provides it with illustrating anecdotes, and explains concepts in a way that non-professionals can grasp.
The caution with Martin’s approach is that future research may shift accepted explanations for the process of the disease or the brain function Martin discusses. However, places of less certainty are typically hedged appropriately. Martin makes it clear that there is a great deal more that we don’t know than we do. Furthermore, she is clear that much that medical professionals suspect is not really “proven” in any sort of reliable way. On the other hand, Martin does not reach for highly speculative explanations either, so this will be valuable even when medical details are shown to be inaccurate.
Recommended Resource
This is a book that offers encouragement to those early in their Alzheimer’s journey. There is dignity for those who suffer from the malady. Subtly, Martin encourages readers to examine the assumption that we are our memories and that we cease to be who we are as a result of cognitive decline. Kathleen’s distinct personality remains with her to the end; that offers hope for all parties in the face of diagnosis.
This is also a book that offers hope for family and friends of those experiencing dementia. It isn’t the hope that everything will be easy, but there it opens the possibility for faithful service, for love, and for compassion that exalts the name of God. Martin works through struggles of feeling like she abandoned Kathleen when she couldn’t visit her as often as she might have liked. As care responsibility shifted from in home to a care facility, Martin shows the thought process of loving Kathleen well while still being faithful to her other vocations.
Memorable Loss is a sad book, in some ways. Kathleen’s decline throughout the story makes the reader wish that sin, evil, and death did not exist.
But the good news of the book is that sin, evil, and death one day will not exist. It is a reminder that God will redeem the years eaten by locusts, and that our primary role is to be faithful in the days we are given, not to fight against the reality we face.
NOTE: I was provided a gratis copy of this volume by the publisher with no expectation of a positive review.
The way we talk about humans also has moral implications, which are more significant than how we treat our pets. In his 2011 book, Less than Human: Why We Demean, Enslave, and Exterminate Others, David Livingstone Smith explores how language changes culture and leads to the justification of extreme violence against others, especially when they become perceived as less than human.